I would have do it if I have the guts.

Just came back from the hospital not too long ago.

Today my mum told me that I'm a burden to her. I know.
I said that if I die her life would be so much easier.
She replied that I said it, not her.
She didn't disagree.
Which means... she agreed that her life would be so much easier if I am not here anymore.
Well, gotta suck it up.

I would have commit suicide a long time ago if I have the guts to do it.
I would have so done it.
Then everything will be okay for her.
Sure, there will be crying for my death.
But that won't last long.
I doubt it will anyway. XD
I don't think I play a big part in anyone's life.
My existence is just there.
And that's it.

I'm the huge rock in my parents' life.
And maybe just a friend to everybody else.
Yea, this post is emo.
Can't help it ya know.
When you have your own mother always telling you how tired she is of taking care of you.

Inside I'm angry.
Mostly at myself.

I would have talked to dad.
Cause he understands things instead of just assuming things like mum.
But I couldn't have done it without crying.
But I refused to cry.
So I said nothing.
Mum has always been negative.
When your motive is for the best despite that it went against her, she thinks of the worst.
That's just how she is.
I'm not trying to make her sound like a bad mother.
In fact, she's great!
But there are flaws in everybody.
Including the people you love the most in the whole world.

Mum's flaws are that she's really selfish.
She never put herself in other people's shoes before commenting or taking an action.
Sometimes I'm just fed up with her negativity.
It's not like I want to be rude to her. I'm just fed up of arguing cause at the end of it, it goes back round to her again.
She's self pity. =/ Which i despise most of the time.
She doesn't know her own schedule.
She waits for us for five minutes but told us she has been waiting for the past 15 - 30 minutes but when we waited for her for more than 15 minutes, she said we just called her five minutes ago. Wow... Just.. a bad wow.... Or she would use the excuse oh how busy she is and ya da ya da. When she waited, we might be busy too but no we didn't complain! We shut the hell up cause again, at the end of the day, she would say that we should have called her later cause she has tons of work to do at home. What tons of work? She's able to rest for the whole afternoon most of the days. How about those who work outside and is only able to handle things at home after 5?

Sometimes... She gives me the mental stress.
Which leads to depression.
And depression ,made me feel like keeping everything on my own.
Me and her, we can't settle down and talk.
She's over sensitive.
Dad has always been the middle man.

Now dad's flaws...
He's the best dad in the world but again, like everybody else, he has his day.
But he doesn't give me as much stress as my mum.
It's just that he likes to do things the last minute and is always in a hurry.
And he would get frustrated and be all PMS-ing. XD
He likes to nag too but not as much as my mum.
When mum nags, my ears bleed.
You get the point.

As for my sister....
She can be nice...
But most of the time...
she's a bitch.
End of story.

Well, there's someone who has been spreading rumours about my parents, especially my mother... Bad mouthing her and shiz.

Despite all the complains I said above, she has always been a great mum.
And she has always been the reason I kept on picking myself up whenever I fall.
Sure, when she said that I'm a burden to her, it's out of frustration. She's weak, health and mental-wise.
When she's frustrated, the world for me has always been dark cause somehow I ended up being pulled into her frustration.
When her world is bright, my world is the sun. That bright, Uh-huh.
Everyone has their arguments and debates with their mum.

And dad...
I know that he always has my back.
He will always be the one supporting.
In fact, he's the one who held my hand when I was trying to pick myself up from my long fall.
He's also one of the reasons why I am here today.

My sister... yea, I despised her sometimes.
But i had my good times with her too.
When she was sick, I wanted to take care of her. =\ Instead of letting her rot at one corner like all evil sisters should do. XD!
So in a way, I love her.
But when I say I hate her... and that I meant it...

I don't.

You know... I have always think that...
When I die, I want my parents to read this blog.

This is where all my thoughts are.
Everything.