19th April was my birthday. I received nothing much but I was definitely pleased with what I got. From my parents I got what I always wanted but never wanted to spend my savings on it. Well, at least I chipped in a bit.
From a childhood friend of mine, I received a card and a letter that actually almost made me cry. But I emo-ed for the whole night. >_>;
From other friends and acquaintances, I got birthday wishes. That was actually enough.
And lastly from my sister and her boyfriend, I got a cute bag which I have yet use and a pen/pencil holder.
Just a couple of days ago, I was almost sure what I wanted to do with my life. However I have to make a final decision between two choices - continue study which means starting from first degree since I am considering Marketing now or start a business. If I choose the latter, I still have to make a few more choices to what I want to sell. =/ Currently I'm looking up about Marketing course in Swinburne. If I choose to study, most likely I will go back there. My first choice was English but then it's in KL. I don't think I want to study there. I'm a person who can't take stress and just going on a vacation in KL was already stressing me out! The crowd, the noise, the hustle and bustle. Fuh. Just... no. I prefer to live right here where it's easy to go... basically... anywhere. I don't want to get stuck in traffic for hours or... wake up at 5 just to go to a 8am class. -_-;
For more than two years I've been doing... nothing. Not a good achievement for a person my age now isn't it? I remembered asking just for a semester break. Things just went wrong and it dragged on until today. =/ I could have get a fucking job but my health isn't exactly allowing me to do such. I'm sure though.. that now I can do it. My parents just have to let me go. People have been telling me how lucky I am to have parents like mine. I think so too and I love them so much that I just don't know how to express them in words anymore. >_> I am aware that I'm being spoiled. Hah~! I know. You don't have to tell me. I'm just lucky. I don't have to do things myself. But here's the thing.... I'm not growing up. And when you're not growing up at my age, people laugh at you. By now, I should be graduating, looking for job - already making some money for myself and my parents. But no, here I am. Still... down below the chart when my friends are so high up. I want to study somewhere else too. I want to start working too. I want to be independent. Not a kid stuck in an adult's body. If I'm given a choice, I'd say I don't want to grow up and stay a kid forever. I won't have a lot of responsibilities. Parents will always be here for me. Yea, sure, that'd be great. That'd be great for anybody in this world if their parents are like mine. Not that I want to brag. I just want to say that when your parents are always doing something for you, you're a kid forever. Even when you're 40. Well, I'm taking a step forward. Now I'm just waiting for a call from my instructor. I passed my driving theory. It's just the driving that I have to go through. =] But he sure is taking his time. -_-; Damn it. When I know how to drive, I won't have to depend on my parents to take me to places I want to go. I can just go there by myself. To my work place or to my campus. Or just... wherever ya know!
I realized a very long time ago that I do not have a lot of friends, especially good friends. I have a couple now. It's not by choice that I don't have a lot of friends. It's just ... like that. That's how part of my life is. I know I can make friends easily. A simple hello, a gesture to help, a gesture to ask for help and etc. When I'm too nice, people take advantage of me but when I'm mean or selfish for once for myself, I'm the 'bitch'. Either way, they throw me aside after I am of no use. It's just hard to find a group that sticks to you no matter what. Those couple good friends of mine, I treasure them a lot. It's like... I don't treasure friends a lot since I'm aware that majority of them just wants to take advantage of me but when I do, it's for forever. =] However, if that trust is broken, it remains broken. I don't want to pick those pieces up. I had to let go of that friend of mine but nowadays, when I think back, I don't know why but I regretted it despite the fact that she hurt me and never apologized. Now, I just hope so much I won't have to do that with my current ones. One is overseas. I missed the times we hang out. And one is just busy working but is able to hang out with me occasionally whenever she has her day off. Other than that, I stayed at home or go out with my family. Well, I decided to just... change now. No matter how a friend treat me, I just have to continue to be nice to them. One day they will realized what kind of a person I am. And this I unexpectedly learned from my sister's boyfriend. He had been through a lot. People who were mean to him are now his friends - the ones who would just.. support you. I want to try to be like that. Maybe, it'll change the way how this part of my life works.
Since months ago, I think I'm addicted to something very expensive. I'm addicted to the sweetness of it or probably there's this unique taste of it that I really like. It's good for my health though and thanks to it, I recovered fast. I used to drink it every morning but now alternatively. Gosh, I try not to take it often though. -_-; Or even better once a week~! =D Cause I'm all healthy now. Bleh~! =P
I don't come from a rich family. Just average - enough for food and other things. I'm content. However, having this sickness isn't exactly very easy for me and my parents. I know they spent thousands for me. I know how my mum holds back the tempting urge to buy something she likes. I know how hard my dad works so he could find a way to get me back on my feet again.I am back on my feet - a slow process but I'm healthy again. A parent's love is unconditional. But I can't help thinking... that it would be a thousands times better if I'm not here. They can spend on something better - for themselves or... they have a lot of time to do just whatever they want. They don't have to go through such a depressing process. They don't have to keep worrying. It's definitely better if I'm not here. But I don't have the guts for suicide. =[ I r c0w4rd. XD!
What I want to say is... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I have this problem.
I'm sorry that I'm here.
The things I said, I know it's selfish. They did all that because they care and love me. =] I sometimes think that I want to die before them. Again, out of selfishness. I don't think I can take it. X3 Dark topic isn't it? But it's a blog. I typed whatever is in my mind now. Yeap, I'm quite emo now. XD But no one knows.
Like I always quote:
'I smile because I don't want to look hurt in front of you. I laugh because I don't want to cry.'
Onto a brighter topic, I love my kitten! XD Little Princess. Always brings laughter and smiles to this family with her antics.
Look at how different she is now! Aw, so adult looking! Almost. She's now in her 4th/5th month! Just a few days ago she surprised us! Well, because of something, she's not allowed in the house all the time. =[ but we let her in for a few hours everyday - morning, afternoon and night. Sometimes just morning and afternoon. She's only out there for her little naps and meals. Sometimes she eats in the kitchen. Despite the fact that she lives outside, she's living a good life. The front is just big enough for her to go crazy. And there's a cat condominium for her - first level, there's a hole for her to hide in, second level - a soft spot for her to sleep on and third level, just a high place for her to sit on. Plenty of toys and scratching post. A litter box. Even food mat. -_-; Three bowls for her - one for tuna and one for her biscuits and one, just extra. Oh a water bottle which she is.. afraid of and chose to drink from a bucket. <_<; Sometimes we fed her little treats and there's one biscuit that can somehow clean her teeth. =O Oddly, despite the comfortable sleeping places we offered like... a bed, she chose to sleep on a table or on top of a shoe rack. D: When my parents have extra income, they'll buy her a small house where her toys, food and bed will be. Costs a couple hundreds I think. X3 So that'll have to wait. Oh yea, I went side tracked. Anyway, the surprise was that she wanted to come in the house or just for fun. she walked to the back of the house where the door is open most of the time using shortcut! XD Most of the time when she wanted to come in she mews loudly outside the door but this time, she used the back door. XD Sho cute. She walked in the house and straight to the front door where she wanted to go out again. She has been doing it less now since a couple days ago but there was once we had to open and close the door for her seven times. -_-;
She likes to chase, hug and nip people's ankle/leg. But she rarely do it to my mum, knowing that she doesn't like it. Most of the time she tries to do that to my dad and my sister's boyfriend. As for me, she waits for me to take out or make something for her to play or chase and my sister, she likes to sit on her lap and be pet. She listens to my mum more than to us. She knows when is no and when is okay. But when we say no, she continues to do it. >_>; Recently, she listens to me too! =D She knows when I'm angry. But I never smack her. D: I don't have the heart to do it. I just use the angry tone.
She's a curious kitty - always sitting or standing beside us and watch us do things. When my mum cooks, she would sit by the door and watch quietly. Other times she lays down - her eyes never leave my mum. XD If she's too far, she would slowly and carefully walk closer to us.
We all love her so much! Surprisingly my dad would play with her inside/outside the house. He would stomp his feet and then step back, triggering Princess's playfulness. Sometimes she would arch her body and tail and walk towards my dad. Other times, she would try to catch his ankle and nip it. Then sometimes at night before bed, if she isn't sleeping, my dad would open the door just to talk to her. XD 'Why aren't you sleeping yet? Go sleep already.' Sometimes when he has the time, he goes out again to play with her. X3 Sometimes he caught her playing with her toys -chasing, pawing, back-flipping, kicking. My sister's boyfriend loves her too~! Everyday after 5, he came over from his work place and played with her for ten minutes before going in the house. If her bowl is or almost empty, he would refill it and bring it to her. Sometimes she would take a few bites, other times, she turned away. On weekends, he would spend longer - sometimes sitting on the floor with my sister and Princess will always be around them. And before he goes home at night during weekends, he would refill her bowl with food again, talks to her and make her eat. XD
Well, that's her life~ Our little Princess.
That is all. Long post. Fuh~!
